NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
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the saddest jazz hands ever
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]