My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
This is me
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Not today.. 😂
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.