the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
o shit
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?