[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
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Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
*weighs self after shaving
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did