Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.