I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Webb. James Webb.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Finally, a door that understands me
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.