Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.