*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
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me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
real
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?