My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
my sentiments exactly
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.