CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
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At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
The USS B port
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem