Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Sign of the day..
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently