me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*