I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.