Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.