My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
All generalizations are stupid.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
yeet
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”