[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
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Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.