Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
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Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about