American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Beware of the dog..
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.