Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]