There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
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*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
According to math, I’m broke
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”