Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
much to think about
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Not today
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.