As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
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It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
😩😩😩
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.