How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once