The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
A little too much information.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
The French cow says MEUX…
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.