librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
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6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.