A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
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Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Smells like a challenge to me
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪