British people be like I’m Bri ish
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.