Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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decorating my apartment
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Merica.