Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Lmao the reply
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!