[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.