[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
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A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan