Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
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Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA