Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait