“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.