I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
🍛
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
how to have an accident 101
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.