Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
You Might Also Like
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi