If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
What do you hear?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Oh my God.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”