A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
You Might Also Like
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you