I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Just had my nails done!
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.