Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
iPhone X
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Good dog. ❤️