I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry