Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
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You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]