BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
got so much cardio in today
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it