I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Cats are still liquid.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!