if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
May have had one breakfast too many
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Who knew!
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars