Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
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[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.