If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
You Might Also Like
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*