my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
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Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Me trying to walk in a dream
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.