Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans