*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.